12/12/99

Y2Kiss

A desperate plea for Compliance

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce that I am available at a very reasonable cost to fulfill your Y2K New Year's fantasies!

For those of you who would like to cut to the chase, click on my lovable mug above to send me your electrified lip-lock. Please, if at all possible, include a picture of that luscious kiss-hole of yours. Especially if you happen to be Angelina Jolie.

For those of you who just can't wait, please lean close and just slobber, smack, smooch, snog, swap spit with, neck, peck, and/or plant a wet one on your monitor right now. Hey, who's watching? And, after all, you need the practice...

For those of you who need a little seducing...

I don't have the time! Don't you understand? The ill-defined millennium is near at hand, and yrs truly has not as of yet secured his twice-in-a-lifetime chance to start it right by making it out.

So, please, as the airplanes come crashing down around us, think fondly of me and the time we could have had.

12/28/99

Apparently, I will be in NYC (with 12 million others) on this eventful date. So what I'm saying is I'll be easy to find.

Although response has been strong (i.e., non-existant), I still want to say (for whatever reason, pathetic as it may be) that if you are on the following list, your chances (for the smooch smooch) will be greatly increased.

These are some of the names that you might have that will, again, greatly increase your chances of having me, the smartass, as your near-millenial kiss:

• Jessica Silva
• Sheryl Ingram (I remind you that these are in no particular order)
• Petra Hanakova
• The Would be Kiki: Jenna (whose last name is Polish)
• That adorable just-graduated bartendress from the Attic
• Laura McKee (but after John, of course)
• Heather Keeny (no offense, Chris, who can kick my ass)
• Emily something that begins with a "W"
• Tara Rodgers (or any of the wonderful women from that old apt.)
• Angelina Jolie
• (another celebrity) Uma Thurman (!)
• Brandi Woods
• Mer Helton
• Laurel Snyder (buried in the list to save myself from embarrassment)
• Cassie Carter, the RA
• Johanna Justus (again, after John)
• something with a heartbeat (and the lips to match)
• Amy Peterson (yeah)
• VALERIE WILHITE
• that gorgeous elementary school teacher I saw once in Dublin
• jennifer "i have a bar on market street" something...
• And all the jennifers, e.g.
  • Jen Smith
  • Jen Curtis
  • Jenny Bouslog
  • Jenna of the Polish last name, again... (she's sooooo cute!)
  • Jennifer Daniels (I'd follow you to the ends of the song)
  • Jenny Hunter (if I knew her, like my roommate does)
  • Jennifer Duck
• Barbara Johnson
• Lisa Lisa Spoon Fed Lisa (ahhhh...)
• Mer Terretta
• Callie McClain (my second grade crush)
• Cam Richardson
• Jill Lovell
• Heather Guffey (pullin' out all th' High School stops now...)
• That girl Leah(?) from the other night

(Just in case you were worried, yes, I am easy.)